In my last post I broke down the entire Bible into six main ‘Acts’:

Act 1 - CREATION (Genesis 1&2)

Act 2 - FALL (Genesis 3 - 11)

Act 3 - ISRAEL (Genesis 12 to the end of the Old Testament)

Act 4 - CHRIST (Matthew to John)

Act 5 - CHURCH (Rest of the New Testament and continuing to this day)

Act 6 - NEW CREATION (Various reference in New Testament, and Revelation 21,22)

Clearly that is a HUGE simplification, but it does - I hope - help to give a bit of a feel for the sense of direction that is within the Bible. 

(By the way, the six act thing is not my original thought. It is a slight adaption of something Tom (N.T.) Wright has written about in various places.)

So, in light of all that, here is my summary of the overarching narrative of the whole Bible:

[Creation] In the beginning God created the world. He then created mankind and gave them responsibility for being stewards of that world. 

[Fall] Mankind messed up. We started to destroy each other and the world. 

[Israel] God decided to chose a group of people to lead his mission to get things back on track. That group messed up. (They thought that because they were chosen to lead this mission that they were more special than everyone else and became exclusive rather than inclusive.) 

[Christ] God decided to come himself to rectify a world badly gone wrong. The people - particularly religious people - didn’t like God coming to sort things out so they killed Jesus. That wasn’t the end though. Jesus didn’t stay dead.

[Church] Whilst he didn’t stay dead, Jesus didn’t hang around on earth much longer either. Before leaving though, he chose a group of people (again) to represent him and work with him to rectify all that had gone wrong in humanity and the world. 

[New Creation] The restoration began by Jesus and carried on (ideally at least) by the church is still a work in progress. The conclusion to that work in progress lies ahead. What began with the creation of a world that God himself called good will end (or begin again) with the new/recreation of the earth and heavens.

What questions does this provoke? 

***

Watch out in the coming days and weeks as we properly start to get some momentum and delve into the story and life of Abram/Abraham. 

Picture it.
You’re 75.
You’ve got knee pain.
Joint pain.
Back pain.
(Oh, the back pain.)
And, of course, your haemorrhoids make it feel like you’re sitting on a cantaloupe.
Your memory is playing tricks on you.
Your golf handicap is rising.
You’re old,
and getting older.

One afternoon, bumbling on your way to your weekly ‘Golden Oldies’ Golf Scramble at the local country club, God shows up, and says, in his very matter-of-fact sort of way:

Here’s what I need you to do for me:
Leave your country (don’t forget your passport).
Leave your relatives behind.
Go! I’ll show you where later.

Just start moving.

Here’s what will happen:
I’ll bless you (as only I can do) and you’ll be the top dog, a legend, an icon.
You’ll be HUGE – bigger than Paris, bigger than Tiger.
And from you, everyone will benefit.
But before you ask, I can’t do anything about your golf handicap – I’m God, not some sort of miracle worker!

Bah-boom-CHING!

Anyway, this is what happened to Abram.

So Abram, who was OLD, and his wife Sarai, who was OLD, and their nephew Lot did what God said, packed up all of their stuff (except the piano – they had to get a moving company to load it in to the van) and went.

Two old-timers and their nephew.

Road trip, baby!

Okay people,

I agree – you deserve better. You visit the page every day, perhaps every hour, maybe every minute, eagerly anticipating the next post.

What can I say? I apologise – let me make it up to you, starting today. Let’s take our imaginations for a spin……

So, we’ve pretty much covered the first 11 chapters of Genesis. I don’t think I expected to still be in Genesis at this point, let alone just the first 11 chapters. But there’s so much good stuff! And its probably best to take things slower than rush through the who Bible but never have time for any meaningful conversations. What do you think though? 

• How’s this first 11 chapters been for you?

• What’s been you favourite conversation?

• What’s left you the most frustrated?

I know for me, it’s just beginning to dawn on me what a HUGE challenge we’ve taken on with blogging through the WHOLE Bible. We should have picked the Koran as at least that’s loads shorter.

Anyway, I’m a big picture kind of guy. I hate getting bogged down for too long in the details if I can’t place it within a larger context. So that leaves me thinking about where we are in the story the Bible is telling within the larger framework of the whole book.

Here’s something I’ve found helpful in trying to understand the overarching story the Bible is telling.

• Act 1 - Creation (Genesis 1 - 2)

• Act 2 - Fall (Genesis 3 - 11)

• Act 3 - Israel (Genesis 12 - rest of the Old Testament)

• Act 4 - Jesus (The Four Gospels)

• Act 5 - Church / New Israel (Rest of the New Testament but continuing through to the present today)

• Act 6 - New Creation (New heaven and new earth - Revelation 21, 22)

In light of that, our blogging is about to enter into a whole new era within the larger context of the biblical story. And that kicks off with an all new leading character who, for the time being at least, is known as Abram.

(By the way, if it’s going to be useful, I’ll use my next blog post to unpack just a little at least those 6 Acts that seem to make up the biblical story.)

Apologies for the long delay – part 3 is here, people!

(Besides being world-class bloggers, Sam and I are ‘part-time exotic animal dental hygienists.’ We had an emergency trip to Botswana to brush the teeth of a very difficult hippopotamus – but we’re back and ready to tackle the big questions).

Just to jog your memory, Ryan (I) had just asked the question, “Why did God keep, say, 20 people???”

Sam:
God seems to have a REALLY high value of things being GOOD - a dream/desire for the world he has created to be a place of beauty, creativity and life. Plus, he seems to HATE anything the pulls creation away from these things

Ryan:
He does seem to say, “I love the stuff I made, but I love “Life” the most, and I want “Life” more than I want you on the planet, Mr. Party Animal.

Sam:
Yep - He seems to value life AND be very prepared to take life.

Ryan:
It’s humbling.

Sam:
Though the argument could be that he only ever takes life in order preserve life (in some form or another).

Ryan:
That’s a tricky one.

We live in a time when a soldier dies in a far-off battle and there’s a protest in the streets
the mother is on TV saying how war is wrong, etc.

According to TV and newspapers (those pillars of truth), people are getting fatter, lazier, and more ill, but the health service doesn’t/can’t fix them, they die, and people get mad at the health service.

It seems to me that these days death is such a huge taboo, way more taboo than sex or violence.

Sam:
We still HATE the idea of death. Even if there is a future life/existence and, again, you could argue from Genesis that death never seemed to be part of God’s original plans.

Ryan:
Maybe the Noah story is just too much death.

Sam:
God only mentioned death after the incident with the serpent – there is no mention of it prior to this.

Ryan:
Hmmm.

Ryan:
I love how Noah has inspired an entire industry - the holiday cruise.

Sam:
Ha! - Very true. Though we seem to have veered away from taking animals with us on holiday.

Ryan:
Can you imagine elephants playing shuffleboard on the deck, and a frog sitting at the piano…

Sam:
Maybe we should bring that back.

Ryan:
I think so – the floating zoo! Kids would love it.

Sam:
I have images in my mind of the animals all sliding all over the place on what must have been pretty rough water!

Ryan:
I think it would have to be a veggie all-you-can-eat buffet. In rough water I’d do everything I could do stay as far away from the elephant’s giant butt as I could.
bah-boom-CHING!

Sam:
And of course, I wouldn’t want to have to eat my dinner sat next to a croc!

Ryan:
No way – they even eat ROCKS! NOTHING eats rocks, and they eat ROCKS!

I suppose if you’re in a situation where you’re eating dinner next to a crocodile, you want to at least offer them a rock (before they eat you)

Sam:
Very true.

Ryan:
Rocks can be very filling.

Sam:
You’d definitely hope so - or at least break a few teeth

Ryan:
Do you think they chew them? - I always thought they just slid them down like oysters

Sam:
I’d encourage them too if I was next on the menu!

Here’s Part 2 of the Chat Slam. Dig in.

Ryan:
What do you think about new interpretations of a ‘flood story’ in TV and film?

There was that Holy-wood movie about the guy morphing into a modern-day Noah, Evan Almighty, with Morgan Freeman being God (Why is Morgan Freeman always God? I’d love to see Jerry Stiller play God – “You wanna piece of me! Come and get it!)

Evan Almighty is probably just the tip of the iceberg though - I think the flood story must pop into our culture in more subtle ways.

Sam:
Yes.

Ryan:
I thought I am Legend had elements of it. Armageddon too.

Sam:
It’s interesting. What was the movie where everything froze over?

Ryan:
The Day After Tomorrow – in New York City

Sam:
The destruction of the world is a recurring theme. Maybe it emerges out of a truth – this world, or the world as we see it now, IS going to be destroyed. We recognise that there is something wrong with our planet.

Ryan:
Oh yes, we know.

I love is how water/flood movies don’t work because floods are kind of quiet and slow.

I remember seeing news clips of the tsunami in the Indian Ocean, and the flooding in New Orleans – I knew it was terrible, but on video it looked like there was just a blocked drainpipe somewhere. It’s hard to capture the force of the water.

Sam:
So why does God destroying the planet through the Flood around Noah’s time cause such anger towards God, if we all know, subconsciously, that this world is going to end up destroyed anyway?

(Which God could also, theoreticaly stop if he wanted)

Is it the proactivity of God in the process?

Ryan:
I think so - that you feel so powerless.

Sam:
Like we’re so in control of this world?!

Ryan:
Ahhh, control. Control is a big word.

Sam:
I think this is why a lot of people reject the idea of a creator. If we are just created objects, someone else is in control. If we are just random chance then we can convince ourselves that we’re in control/charge.

Ryan:
I think people get freaked out when they think that exactly two of every creature got on the boat.

That, to me, is far weirder than some guy and his family building a big boat - there are crazy people all over this planet with secret bunkers and enough batteries and toilet paper to last a lifetime.

Sam:
Did the crocodiles just happy stroll into the boat, no questions asked?!

Ryan:
I love the idea of God doing stuff with animals that we don’t understand.

Off the top of my head, I’ve got the lion’s den, with the lions not killing Daniel, the crocodiles on Noah’s boat managing to not eat everything on the boat, and then, in the Jesus era, pigs throwing themselves into a lake.

Sam:
Could you argue that this is only possible if there is a creator who is able to control his creation?

Ryan:
Yes - unless Noah was some sort of ‘horse whisperer’ kind of guy

Sam:
Maybe they maybe liked his beard.

Ryan:
You know they respected the beard.

Ryan:
Here’s a point that is completely unsubstantiated by fact, but I’ll make it anyway:

What if there were a limited number of, say, ‘dogs’ on the boat, and we have now bred dogs into a zillion different breeds, but back in the day there was only ‘dog’ or maybe ‘wolf.’

Sam:
Interesting.

This brings us back to whether literally EVERY living thing was destroyed…or just in that region.

Ryan:
Why didn’t God keep, say, 20 people??? That drives me nuts.

Sam:
I’m just not sure if that is an essential FACT of the story that is critical to what is being conveyed.

Ryan:
Yes, back to the faction.

Hello people!,

Throughout ‘The Big Bible Adventure,’ Sam and I will discuss, via the medium of instant messaging, sizzling-hot topics from the old book that:

- Seem relevant to events today
- People argue about
- Don’t make sense
- Never made any sense
- Make everyone hate God
- Make God look like a real jerk
- Make God seem like the real deal
- Seem scientifically implausible
- Are scientifically implausible

You get the picture.

Anyway, for our first keyboard-mashing, mouse-slamming ‘Chat Slam,’ Sam and I discuss the H. M. S. Noah.

(Interestingly, some Biblical scholars claim that Noah wanted to call the boat ‘Sex Bomb,’ but after a lengthy and heated debate, Noah and God agreed on ‘Ladies’ Night.’)

Strange, and possibly true.

On to the Chat Slam!

Sam:
(Introduces Noah’s Ark)

The story of Noah (Genesis 6-9) is a fascinating one. Is it a ‘true,’ factual story, or a work of fiction?

Or, perhaps, is it a work of ‘faction’?

Whatever the case, this whole story that revolves around the life of Noah raises LOTS of questions:

Why did God feel the need to destroy the whole planet? Was it the whole planet or just a part of it? (The WHOLE planet underwater? Really?)

Can God really be considered ‘good’ if he sees fit to destroy nearly the entire human and animal population? And then there is the reverse question: why did God even bother saving anyone if he was so upset with how his creation had turned out?

What was so special about Noah?

Ryan:
A few points:
1) I love the use of the word ‘faction.’
2) Did Noah walk around thinking, ‘Man, everyone else is a real jerk’?
3) Why did God save anything? Why didn’t he just start from scratch?

Sam:
Regarding point 2 - It would have definitely been tempting to after being ‘chosen’ by God.

Ryan:
Being ‘chosen’ really puts you on the hot seat. What does being ‘chosen’ feel/look/sound like? What if someone walking on earth right now is ‘chosen?’ What if it’s me? What if it’s Wayne Rooney?

Sam:
I wonder for Noah if being chosen felt like a lot of responsibility.

Ryan:
Hmmm. I can’t help but think that it would have been horrible seeing stuff die all around the boat. ‘Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died.’

Interesting - note that plants have no nostrils. (Science, baby.)

Sam:
I definitely think it would have been a very sombre affair.

Ryan:
Yes, the worst. Worse than the Titanic. Worse than the movie ‘Titanic.’

Sam:
It would have been their friends and family too.

Ryan:
Ugh, tragic.

Sam:
So if you had to say what you thought about this story (gun against your head), would you sat it was fact, fiction, or faction?

The trigger is about to be pulled!

Ryan:
I would say ‘faction.’ Embellishment with a purpose.
I can imagine a whole valley getting wiped out, you know – rain, flood, no sewers. That could feel like the whole world. What about you?

Sam:
Faction would be my take I think.

Ryan:
What is the function of the faction?

Sam:
It is interesting that Jesus’ references do seem to very much imply that he thought Noah was a real person. Is the faction using the story to convey truth?

Ryan:
Well, I look at it this way. If I tell my kid, ‘Don’t touch the stove - you’ll burn your hand,’ that’s the truth. Or I could say, ‘When I was your age, my best friend Bob touched a stove and burned his hand so bad he couldn’t play video games ever again’ If that second story is made up, it conveys the same truth, but hopefully it’ll help the truth stick.

Whether it’s real or not, the truth is all that matters.

Plus, there are other factors – this is before the 24-hour news cycle, before people were really investing a lot of energy into ‘history’ as we know it now…

Sam:
So are you saying it’s an exaggeration to make a truthful point?

Ryan:
I’m not willing to go that far - I would say that if Jesus is using it substantiate his point, then it must at least be a little bit important. Either the story itself, the ‘lesson’ of the story, or some combination of the two, is significant.

Coming soon – Part 2 of the inaugural Chat Slam, when Sam and Ryan talk about the end of the world, why flood movies suck, and making friends with crocodiles.

God wasn’t too crazy about Babel, so he scambled everything up, sending humans all over the planet, speaking all different sorts of languages.

Still, very fact that:

A) Humans thought Babel was a good idea, and

B) God thought Babel was a really bad idea raises lots of questions:

1) If everyone lived in Babel, who would we bomb/hate/blame?

2) If we all lived in Babel, would we have those funny signs we see when we travel around our wonderful planet?

For instance…

At a hotel in Eastern Europoe: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: “When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.”

On the menu of a Polish hotel: “Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.”

3) Where would we go on holiday? Babel? If everywhere we went was Babel, We’d already be there!
4) What about the food – wouldn’t it all be the same?
5) What would happen to all the people who work at the Bureau de Change?

I’m glad God put the kibosh on Babel. On the positive side, we get an amazing variety of cultures, food, art, customs, games, music, interesting coins, the World Cup, the Eurovision song contest and the French ministry of culture.

On the negative side, we get Epcot Center.

#1 – Noah goes au natural – (Gen 9)
Once things settled down after the flood, Noah grew a vineyard and made some wine, which he had to sample from time to time for quality control purposes.

One day he controlled the quality a little too much and passed out in his tent in the buff. One of his sons saw him and told his brothers, who proceeded to cover Noah up while going out of their way to NOT LOOK.

When Noah awakes and finds out what went down, he throws a curse-bomb at the son, Ham, who saw him lying there, au natural.

Again, a few points:

1) Again, what? (see GIANT people, above).

2) Why didn’t the son who got an eye-full of Dad, Ham, tell Noah, “Hey man, if I could do it all again, there is NO WAY I would have popped in to your tent,” (surely all men concur with the universal truth that no one wants to see “Naked Dad.”)

3) What’s the need for the curse – isn’t seeing your dad naked punishment enough?

4) Why didn’t Noah put on his pajamas? Wouldn’t that have avoided have solved the problem before it started?

Lesson – Put on your pajamas before you get tanked, especially if there are kids around.

Genesis 6-10

Man, there’s some crazy stuff going down here. Take a look for yourself.

I’ll go ahead and give my reaction to my top five points:

#5 - The G-Men
In Genesis 6 it says, basically, that if a Son of God (I’m not sure who gets in to this prestigious group) got it on with a human lady, the resulting child would be a GIANT. This begs several questions:
1) What?
2) Are you serious?
3) Did they let the GIANT kids play in the same youth basketball league as my kids?
4) It does say that these GIANTS were the “heroes mentioned in legends of old.” What are these legends? – I’m assuming they have to do with humans getting roughed up, then sending their GIANT to lay the smack down on whoever is causing them trouble. Where is Hollywood on this one?
5) Did they have to go to a special tailor, or could they find what they needed on the rack?

#4 – God brings in Planetary speed limit
God says that his Spirit can’t cope with humans living so long and decides that 120 is long enough. I don’t know how I feel about this. Ask me again when I turn 119 (I may need some help blowing out the candles).

#3 – The Life Boat
Some key points:
1) Picture it – spending over a year in a fully packed zoo that was about the size of a cruise liner, with no idea when you’ll be able to get off. Can you imagine the smell?
2) CAN YOU IMAGINE THE SMELL?!

#2 – Roy G. Biv
After the flood God made a permanent promise to Earth never to “shake the Etch-a-sketch” on us again. He decided that rainbows are the symbol that He uses to say to all living creatures on Earth, “Hey man, we’re cool.”

#1 – Hang in there, people. Savor the anticipation.